Even Better Than the Movie

Last night I was walking to the video rental place. I was going through a forested path and then I suddenly saw a raccoon up ahead. I didn't want to walk right into it so I stopped and waited to see what it would do. I was far enough away that it didn't notice me. Then I noticed some dude off to the side that was offering the raccoon something. I thought it must have been food. The raccoon was getting pretty close to him and I was thinking how stupid this guy must be to be feeding the raccoon by hand. Then the dude just stood up super fast and kicked the raccoon as hard as he could. I couldn't believe it. The raccoon couldn't either. It took the kick fully in the underside but because the kick was so fast it didn't have too much power. That was the guy's mistake. The raccoon was kind of rolling back but it looked like one of its claws had managed to snag the guy's pant leg. It wouldn't let go. The guy was trying to shake it off but his efforts were pretty sloppy because I think by that point he realized that he was in a very bad situation and he was panicking.

If you've ever heard a raccoon fight before you will know that they sound really eerie. I was still locked in my place a distance away and all I could do was mutter profanity under my breath. The raccoon was still holding on with its one hand and the other 3 legs were scrabbling all over the guy's leg. The guy tried hitting the raccoon with his hand a few times which didn't really phase it and then it started trying to bite his hand when he brought it down so he quickly stopped that. The guy had been shouting and swearing since the animal had latched itself to him and he was still going. Time seemed to have slowed down for me watching the whole thing but it must have been only 6 seconds or so. The guy started spinning around in a circle as fast as he could which actually seemed to take some effect. Raccoons are heavy, so the centrifugal force from the spinning was kind of pulling the raccoon back a bit. It stopped trying to scratch the guy and just kind of held on.

It was the funniest thing to see. The guy is spinning around screaming his head off and the raccoon is just clinging to his leg trying not to fall off. This obviously couldn't last for very long. The dude started getting dizzy or something and stopped and started to stumble around a bit. The raccoon must have been a bit dizzy too because it didn't make a move right away. The guy reached for his belt buckle and had his pants down around his ankles in no time at all. The pants fell over the raccoon's head and it was temporarily tangled up in the confusion. Then it must have thought that it had had enough so it shot off of the guy's leg and ran bouncing into the trees on the other side of the guy.

So here's this guy standing alone now with his pants down, panting, swearing and probably bleeding quite a bit too, (it was hard to see how badly in the dark). The dude pulls his pants back up and staggers around a few seconds before starting down the path away from me. I then realized that I was lucky that he didn't start walking in my direction. That would have been incredibly awkward to say the least. I was kind of hidden in the shadows but I'm not sure if I would have been able to leave without being noticed. I ended up back-tracking and going a different route just because I didn't want to risk seeing the guy again as I probably would have cracked up laughing. I still can't believe how stupid he was. He must have been drunk or something. It was such a crazy sight, even better than the movie I ended up renting.

If there's any moral to this story it's don't fuck with raccoons.